… to murder trees and turn their drying corpses into a hideous parody of life.

No, I'm not really that cynical (except sometimes). I just have a tendency to see a darkly silly side to things most people don't see anything dark or silly about at all. Actually, I'm a sucker for a sappy old black & white Christmas movie, even the ubiquitous It's a Wonderful Life, on the rare occasions I have time to watch them (tho I'll admit I think a fit TV Guide description of A Christmas Carol, possibly the sappiest of 'em all, would be "crusty but lovable free marketeer is visited by evil spirits who turn him into a liberal"). I'm a sucker for movies from back when they cared more about the story than marketing in general, but Christmas can be a pretty heart-warming topic for them.

One of my favorite December activities has to do with the fact that I don't like to shave. I read somewhere, about 40 years ago, that the average man spends 25 days doing that over the course of his life, and I don't have so much time to waste. So my beard is long, full and, in recent decades at least, white. A few years ago, I hooked up with a local agency that books real-bearded Santa Clauses for parties, shows and stuff like that.

The guy who runs it (whom I saw off-season once, and was shocked to find he bleaches his beard once a year) has been heard to say the three highest priorities in his life are God, family, and Santa Claus — and not necessarily in that order. I won't go that far, but I do enjoy it. One of the most fun things about it is stopping for a bite after a gig, still wearing the persona, and being mobbed by all the kids in the place.

Once, a baby in my lap screamed, squirmed, yanked my beard (good luck pulling it off, kid) and, while he was in my lap, soiled his diaper. And yet, the photo showed me with a benign smile on my face. As his mom took him back, she whispered, "You have the patience of a saint." Without a moment's thought, completely naturally, I whispered back, "I am a saint."

Amazing, isn't it, how even an amateur actor can be taken over by a part he plays.

— DDM